Metaliturtle

Divorce

220 posts in this topic

Hey guys,

 

Wife just filed for divorce, taking me totally from left field. We just had a daughter on the 23rd of May. Any advice?

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(a) First thing to remember is that I am not an expert on this. I'm probably the farther thing from an expert that you can imagine. That having been said:

 

(b) I find the timing highly suspicious. Most women with a new baby would be looking for more security, not trying to jettison a wage-earning spouse and not trying to put herself through the stress of a divorce. Her actions are not logical. :spock: This makes me wonder if she's not suffering from postpartum depression, i.e. "baby blues." My understanding (again, I'm not an expert) is that lack of Omega-3* is a significant cause of postpartum depression. Omega-3 is so important for the development of the baby's central nervous system, that the mother's body will deplete her own supply in order that the fetus will have enough. Then the mother's lack of Omega-3 sends her own nervous system into a tail spin.

 

© I am buoyed in my belief by the fact that you were taken by surprise. Admitted we guys are morons when it comes to relationships, but dumb as we are, we can usually figure out when the relationship is in deep trouble. There's the screaming arguments, the occasional gunfire, etc. The lack of warning signs reinforces my belief that her problem is physiological in nature. So, in my uneducated and unexpert opinion, she needs Omega-3.

 

(d) The last thing to remember is that I am not an expert. Good luck.

 

_______________________

* found in fish oils, flax seeds, walnuts and in tablet form.

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Ehh?? WTF?? Postpartum depression? I've seen this happen more than once in my extended circle of friends. Women can get real crazy with all them hormones and stuff after childbirth.

 

Edit: x-post with Zkribbler...

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According to Wikipedia:

 

Symptoms of PPD can occur anytime in the first year postpartum[6] and include, but are not limited to, the following:

 

Sadness

Hopelessness

Low self-esteem

Guilt

A feeling of being overwhelmed

Sleep and eating disturbances

Inability to be comforted

Exhaustion

Emptiness

Anhedonia (In psychology and psychiatry, anhedonia ( /ˌænhiˈdoʊniə/ an-hee-doh-nee-ə; Greek: ἀν- an-, "without" + ἡδονή hēdonē, "pleasure") is defined as the inability to experience pleasure from activities formerly found enjoyable, e.g. hobbies, exercise, social interaction or sexual activity.)

Social withdrawal

Low or no energy

Becoming easily frustrated

Feeling inadequate in taking care of the baby

Impaired speech and writing

Spells of anger towards others

Increased anxiety or panic attacks

Decreased sex drive – see Sex after pregnancy

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Metaliturtle, so sorry to hear it. If you guys can't patch it up, or even if you can, come to the Philippines and hang out with us. We'll be back there in January looks like. Its such a simple life there that it will either help you recover your relationship if you can patch it up, or help your peace of mind and ego to find so many friends in a saner world.

 

I been through a divorce, several failed relationships after that, it was a tough road until I met Dolores.

 

Just an odd thought, it is strange timing for her. I almost hate to ask this. Have you had a paternity test?

 

Wish you the very best...remember you have friends here.

Edited by Lancer

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Yeah, PPD is what I thought (degree in Psychology) right now we live with her parents so I think security isn't much of an issue for her. Not really quite sure where to go from here, but I don't really want to be with her after all of this crap went down either. The baby looks an awful lot like me, but I can do a paternity test.

 

Lancer, any advice as to surviving the divorce process?

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Well, try to fix things up. It might just be some freaky thing. But...

 

Well, if its inevitable, should it get to the point where you say, ENOUGH, just go for it. Don't get involved with any proposals for counciling, friends taking sides, anything like that. If you say within yourself that its the end, then end it. Get a lawyer, split everything, and move on.

 

...and like I said, a change of scenery. I suggested my place but anywhere totally different if the Phils doesn't appeal.

Rememember, one day then the next. Like climbing a mountain. One foot in front of another.

 

Beware of your bank accounts. You might want to inform the bank that you are going through a divorce and find out if there is a way to freeze the accounts until a ruling. Zkrib might know this...

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nope, I work for our bank, you can't freeze them. I will be taking my paychecks out in cash for a while though.

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What made you suspect? ...if I may ask.

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Yeah, PPD is what I thought (degree in Psychology) right now we live with her parents so I think security isn't much of an issue for her. Not really quite sure where to go from here, but I don't really want to be with her after all of this crap went down either. The baby looks an awful lot like me, but I can do a paternity test.

 

Lancer, any advice as to surviving the divorce process?

 

Well, I don't have the whole story, so take it with a grain of salt.

 

My wife was less than a pleasure to be with after she had a miscarriage. Some real depression and general *****yness all round. Then again after our second was born. (miscarriage before second born), so we weren't real happy for about a year there. Now, you apparantly have some shrink training/job, so I won't get all technical, and I don't know your religious leanings (cause I can hardly keep track of my own much less everyone else). I will just say that acting out of hurt feelings may not be in your best interest in the long run. I can understand not wanting to be with her right now. But, there is something to be said for sticking it out. Trust me.

 

I also do not know the relationship you might have with her parents...they may be influencing her thought process right now. Perhaps even unintentionally if she is depressed.

 

As for surviving the divorce process, I would hope your primary concern is that of your child. Securing adequate rights as far as she is concerned. Please, do not make her a tool you two use against each other.

 

 

I'm sure con will be by with differing advice soon enough.

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Can't say I can help you, but I will sympathize. That's pretty insensitive for her to ask for divorce out of the blue like that after having a kid. Make sure you get at least partial custody rights.

 

Regarding the PPD, I had a coworker whose (now ex-) wife came after him with a knife because of PPD. It's definitely a possibility.

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Yeah I don't necessarily want to put everything on here just in case she is checking my internet history or something. I think it comes back to when we got home from the hospital she didn't want the baby to sleep in the crib, she wanted the baby held all night, I disagreed, but rather than talk it out with me, she had her parents just hold the baby after I went to sleep.

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Well that is a bit odd. My experience has made me a bit tough in these matters. Maybe its best to listen to Uno and the guys...

 

I'm the guy to talk to if...

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Oh, I don't know, I'm supremely old fashioned (in nearly all things, but this area included). I have not illusions that this approach works for everyone, however, and would think no less of someone taking a more modern approach.

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Yeah, I don't like modern either, but :dunno: Life goes on, and even if the worst happens, life goes on and it can get really better than it ever was...or not.

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well, should probably go to bed now...

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Have a good sleep...

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My advice is to try to stick it out. I would concentrate on trying to talk it over with her and her parents (since they're around) but definitely not all together. Find out the two explanations of what might be happening. I would also concentrate on my own security if something did unfortunately happen. Maybe open your own bank account and if you can try to save some money there. If nothing else, you could use it for some special time with the missus later on when things are patched up.

 

I'd say from the sound of it that "mum and dad" may be in her ear, not helping the situation. I've seen it with my own parents who got into the ear of my brother trying to play him against his wife. Things were bad there for a while and almost got to divorce, but my brother recognized what was happening and they up and moved to a different state. Things are great for them now. It's something to consider, which is why I suggest talking to the parents and the wife separately.

 

Aside from that, if she's going through some PPD she may just need some space. In that case be there if she ever needs help, but not all over her as us husbands can tend to be.

 

Dunno what else to say mate, but I wish you luck. Just be there for her, try to find out why (and if there's anything you can do to help the situation), and in the back of your mind remember your and your child's protection (financially as well as physically). Maybe even organise with a mate if you can emergency crash on their couch in the event you need it.

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Living with the Inlaws certainly wont help things more so if you don't get on with them.................

 

My advise would be hire a Hitman and take em out but thats just my personal opinion on in laws

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Wife just filed for divorce, taking me totally from left field. We just had a daughter on the 23rd of May.

 

First off, really sorry to hear this Metaliturtle.

 

any advice as to surviving the divorce process?

 

I went thru a bitter divorce back in '87 - '88 (she dragged it out for 10 months because she was getting money thru the military from me). The best advice I can give is that if you do go ahead with this, be aware that people can be very vindictive. Therefore you need to take care of yourself first: get a seperate checking account immediately (regardless of whether you actually go all the way thru with the divorce or not!). If the wife has keys to your car change the locks (I couldn't afford new locks so I pulled a wire going to the alternator). Remember that there will be some really tough sledding mentally in the weeks and months ahead: it is a hugely emotionally draining process. But also be aware that you have friends out there who will support you in your time of need (and I'm talking RL friends who you can meet and greet with - not us online friends), and probably some of them will be there for you when you need it most: I would recommend you reach out to your friends in your community and canvas them for opinions and support, as there are probably several individuals who will be there for you when you need it most, and they will become your best friends for life.

 

Good Luck in this!

 

D

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That sounds really crazy mate, and sorry for you and your family. I agree with Dale, talk to your wife, and her parents and try to find out what has been the issue that made her decide this was the right thing to do. Be prepared to listen and make it clear to yourself and your wife that the kid comes first, that has to be the over reaching concern. If it is impossible to 'patch-up' what ever is broken in your relationship then i agree with Darsnan in looking towards your real life friends for support and talking about all this. Good luck and i hope you both can come to as happy a resolution as possible, for your child if nothing else.

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Sorry to hear that, Metaliturtle. :(

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I'm so sorry to hear this.:( I'm afraid I don't have any good advice, I leave that to the older guys.

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I'm going through a divorce myself right now but the situations are completely different. All I can say MT is that I am very, very sorry to hear what you are going through and I hope that us here at WPC can provide you at least some modicum of support through all of this.

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Well, right now my boss is letting me crash at his place while he's out of town, so I'm very grateful for that. Not much else to say except that I bought myself a laptop so I can document things and keep them organized (I type about 20x faster than I can write longhand). I'm trying to approach everything with the mindset of love for my daughter and not wanting her to be taken out of my life unnecessarily. I am going to propose that we speak with a mediator, I will also be getting my own place. If we reconcile, I would be happy, but this is all coming about so quickly that it's hard to even know what to feel right now.

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