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Jokes

111 posts in this topic

I open up this thread for anyone to post funny jokes as they come across any in their email inbox etc. I start with a picture illustrated one:

 

Newsflash: After a two year loan to the United States ,

Michelangelo's David is being returned to Italy .

Before the loan:

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After the loan:

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His Proud Sponsors were:

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It was the mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood.

 

When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family, who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a big gift certificate envelope.

 

At the second house they presented him with a box of fine imported cigars.

 

The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.

 

At each of the houses along his route, he was met with congratulations, farewells, cards, and gifts of all types and values.

 

At the final house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful young blonde in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand,

gently led him through the door (which she closed behind him), and led him up the stairs to the bedroom -- where they had a most passionate liaison

 

Afterwards, they went downstairs where she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and

fresh-squeezed orange juice.

 

When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from

under the cup's bottom edge. '...All this was just too wonderful for words,' he said, .......but what's the dollar for?'

 

'Well,' she said, 'last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day ...and that we should do something special for you

I asked him what to give you?'

He said, "....Screw him ........give him a dollar."

 

She then blushed and added, '....But the breakfast was my idea!

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Skinny little Newfie goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this HUGE black guy standing next to him. The big guy sees the Little Newfie staring at him, he looks down and says: '7 feet tall, 350 Pounds, 20 inch penis, 3 pounds of testicles, Turner Brown.'

 

The little white Newfie faints and falls to the floor.

 

The big guy kneels down and brings him to, shaking him.. The big Guy says, 'What's wrong with you?'

 

In a weak voice the little guy says, 'What EXACTLY did you say to me?'

 

The big dude says, 'I saw your curious look and figured I'd just give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me...... I'm 7 Feet tall, I weigh 350 pounds, I have a 20 inch penis, my testicles Weigh 3 pounds each and my name is Turner Brown.'

 

The little Newfie says:

 

'Turner Brown?!....Sweet Jazus, I tought you said, 'Turn around!

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I liked the mailman one better, but both caused grins and chuckling. I have one to tell next time I get bored enough to type it up. Good to have that in reserve....

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Well, its not a joke, but a scene from a movie i just watched recently (´Rocker´, 1971, Germany). It´s about a group of rockers who actually are acting as themselves (´The bloody devil´ IIRC, from Hamburg). Well here it goes:

 

A dirty, half-lit room. A man in his mid-30s (with typical 70´s haircut) lies on a matress on the floor, wearing a wife-beater, smoking a cigarette. He is in the middle of a conversation on the phone. The voice on the other end says:

´...then you take the 6mm-screwdriver, ram it between the glass and the rubber holding of the mercedes 280sl´s window, so that you can lever it open just enough to stick the 3mm-metal-band through it. Remember, that you form a noose with it first. Next, you carefully insert that metal-band-noose through the gap in the window, and try to grab that locking knob...´

The guy on the matress interupts: ´...but i thought those are inside...´

 

Now that brilliance just made rofl (remember: the guy is acting as himself!)...

 

(excuse my poor vocab, please - i hope it delivers despite)

 

EDIT: The movie holds more such impressive displays of intelligence:

 

A man (one of the rockers, who just got out of jail) rings at a house´s doorbell. A young woman, apperantly scared by him, watches him. He goes:

- ´So, what are you looking at?!´

- ´Well, i live here.´

- ´You live here? Where is Sonja?´

- ´Who is Sonja?´

- ´She lives here.´

- ´I live here.´

- ´Since when?´

- ´Well, for quite a while now.´

- ´And where´s Sonja?!´...

Edited by Mr. Scruffy

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What's the difference between a pile of dead babies and a Ferrari?

 

I don't have a Ferrari in my garage.

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What's the difference between a pile of watermelons and a pile of dead babies?

 

You can't use a pitchfork on the watermelons.

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Hasidic rabbis against HDTV in Israel.

 

 

[ame=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MxEV8dRU6sQ&feature=related]YouTube- YES HDTV- The Funniest Commercials Of The Year 2008[/ame]

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My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I

Kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.

My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'

'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to

Drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she

Hasn't been sober since.'

'My God!' says my wife, 'who would think that a person could go on

Celebrating that long?'

And then the fight started...

----------

 

I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my

Order first.

"I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please."

He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?""

"Nah, she can order for herself."

And then the fight started...

----------

 

A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.

She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, "I feel Horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a

Compliment."

The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'

And then the fight started.....

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:b:

 

 

 

How do you get 20 dead babies in a can? LaMachine.

 

How do you get them back out? LaMaSpoon.

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How do you fit 100 dead babies in a bowl? Blender.

 

How do you get em back out? Tortilla chips.

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King Arthur went on the quest for the Holy Grail, but left Queen Guinevere in a chastity belt with a razor trap for the unwary intruder.

 

Arthur came back from the crusades and lined up his entire male castle staff, and ordered them to drop their trousers. All of them were missing their manhoods! Furious, Arthur had them all executed by beheading.

 

All except one, the old seneschal. His wedding tackle was still unharmed, so Arthur realized the seneschal had not tried the funny stuff with his Queen.

 

"You have served me well," Arthur said. "I now make you my Castellan, and all shall kneel before you, for you speak with the voice of the King within these four walls! What say ye?"

 

The old man looked at Arthur and then said, very slowly, " 'Hank 'oo vaw'wy muck'."

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A 90-year-old man is out fishing. He hears a small voice cry out, "Lift me up."

 

He looks around but sees no one. Then he looks over the side of his rowboat and sees a frog sitting on a lily pad. "Did you just talk?" he asks it.

 

"Yes," says the frog. "I've been enchanted by an evil witch. If you'll kiss me, I'll turn back into a beautiful maiden. And I'll be so greatful, I'll make wild passionate love to you for hours and hours and hours."

 

He picks the frog up and put it in his pocket.

 

"Didn't you hear what I said??" protests the frog.

 

"Sure," says the man. "But I'm 90 years old. I'd rather have a talking frog."

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Head went to a bar for a drink.

Perched on the bar Head says, "Anyone for a game of darts?"

After setting up the game and everything Head gets his turn.

"Put a dart in me mouth..... feathers first!" Head says.

"No throw the bloody dart board at me!"

 

-----------------------------------------

 

Head was in a swimming carnival. He was competing in the 50m freestyle.

Head gets up onto the blocks, "Ready..... set..... GO!"

Head rolls in and immediately sinks. After a couple minutes someone fishes Head out.

"What happened?" asked his coach. Head turns to him and say, "Got a cramp".

 

------------------------------------------

 

Went to a restaurant.

Drinks waiter came over and gave me a drink.

Food waiter came over and gave me some food.

Head waiter came over and I ran straight out of there!

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Something to do with BJs, obviously, but yeah- cultural gap. The last one does make sense.

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In the first two, he actually is just a head.

 

In the last one, the Head(job) waiter came over and gave me a .............

 

Oh and yes, they are REALLY bad jokes! :p

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What do you call masturbating cattle?

 

 

 

 

Beef strokinoff.

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Bill and Sue had been married for years, and although they still loved each other very much, they had settled into a routine of sorts. What with the kids all grown up, much of the fire in their youth had sunk to an ember. Sue worried about lumps and stones and frail bones - it was hard for a woman her age to feel beautiful when so much is in the past.

 

One day there was a ringing at the door while she was just getting out of the shower. Sue knew Bill was in the shed, puttering around with his drills and saws, so she quickly put her hair up, put on a bathrobe, and went out in her faded bunny slippers. There was a pleasant, middle-aged man at the doorway, hat in hand, and a smile on his face that quickly gave way to a quiet "o" of surprise when he saw her.

 

He regained his composure somewhat.

 

"Forgive me for being blunt," he said, "but you are breathtaking. I was just passing through the neighborhood where I grew up. The houses seem so small now but I look at you, ma'am, and I see there is still so much beauty here."

 

Sue immediately blushed, flustered. "Well, now, that's very kind of you, young man. I...- I'm very flattered."

 

The man put his hat over his heart, still keeping his eyes entranced on hers. "You remind me of my childhood sweetheart. I took her to the prom, down at that high school that used to be there at the end of the street. Before they took it down. I'd give anything for a memory."

 

Sue giggled at that.

 

"I... I hope you don't mind," the man began. "But it's a thrilling day, and I feel so full of life, and it's such a pleasure to see one as pretty as yourself..." He counted out three bills from his wallet and handed them to her. "Would you open your robe to me for just one moment, here on this doorstep, on this beautiful morning? Just like they did in the movies, or in the romances, or in the many celebrations of living breathing passionate creatures, lifted from the clay?"

 

Sue looked down. The man was holding out three hundred dollars to her. She gasped, scandalized at him, first at the boldness of his request, then at the thought of a woman her age, opening her robe to a stranger like this.

 

But it was a meltingly sweet morning, and the clouds were a soft ripple above the deep azure skies, warm zephyrs circling the yard and the porch where she stood. Why not? she thought, remembering the caresses and embraces of her youth, calling to her across the dusty courtyards of lost decades.

 

She gave the man a conspiratorial smile, and opened her robe for him briefly - a heartbeat of belonging, lifting her out of suburbia and into the blossoming symphony of nature around them.

 

The man took her hand and kissed it, then put his hat back on. She did her robe back up, suddenly self-conscious. And life went on. She watched him make his way to the end of the yard, and turn to continue down the road. Away from the house. Away from her. Leaving the shared moment behind them.

 

Sue went back inside with the money and a mischievous spirit seized her. She went back to Bill's shed in her bathrobe. He was there, busy measuring his materials and marking off with a fat pencil.

 

"We had a visitor," she said smugly. If only he knew!

 

Bill looked up at her. "Already? Guess I missed my brother Moe. He owes me three hundred bucks."

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Doctor's jokes

 

While acquainting herself with a new elderly patient, the doc asked "So how was your breakfast this morning?". The patient replied "It's very good except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste". The doc asked to see the jelly and the patient produced a foil packet labeled "KY Jelly".

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