The Mighty Kingdom of McDork

[BigDork]

Expelling the Invaders

This is the land where many young men will die. And for what? English greed, that is what. Cumberland may have once been a part of England long, long ago but it has been Irish for generations. We will not give it back!


As we prepare for war I ask my marshal to prepare reports of the comparative size of the Irish and English armies. Things are closely matched.


Levies are raised and begin to march to war. Knowing that the men I have in Toulouse are needed even more in Scotland, I press the war hard. Two months after the English declare war, I force Duke Fergus to surrender.


None too soon! On the same day the Toulousians surrender reports arrive of a large English army marching north. My forces are coming together but at this point I have nothing to oppose an army of 12,000 men.


I feel that I need to do something with Duke Fergus. While he is a traitor to the crown, he revolted against my father's rule. In fact, I'm told by my legal advisers that I cannot just revoke a title from him for his transgressions. I really want Toulouse for my personal demesne and feel that Fergus doesn't deserve to be the Duke anymore. I need him to revolt again so I can revoke a title. Because of that and the beneficial opinion boost for releasing a prisoner, Fergus goes free.

May has come. Spring has sprung. And there are now 20,000 Englishmen committed to this war. What's worse, they are marching past Cumberland and into Scotland. While I too have more men coming into the fight, we still are outnumbered. The sheer size of the English army is actually hampering them a bit as the local countryside is not providing enough forage for them to survive for long. Time is on my side.


My lands are making me good money. Rarely is the treasury empty unless I had just undertaken a large project. Even then, money is quickly replenished. I take advantage of my financial strength by bringing in both the Breton Company and the Swiss Band. Their 4500 extra men will help give me more of an advantage.


Thinking that most of England was committed in the north I order a Welsh expedition to cause some issues in the south of England. Unfortunately I miscalculated the size of the English army and an army of almost 15,000 moves to engage my men.


With few options my men make for the coast and escape by ship before they can be engaged. They head north to join my main host.


4 months into the war and still, nothing much has happened except for maneuvering and the beginnings of some sieges. With the sheer number of men on both sides in a small area, blood is about to spill.


Knowing that the English are itching for a fight I set a trap. I send the mercenaries to Carrick in an attempt to draw some English into an engagement. They bite and an army of 14,000 starts marching our way.


Once the battle is joined I march the main army north from Galloway and turn the tide of battle in our favor. We lose 3,000 men, mostly mercenaries while the English lose 9,000. The English rout but I follow and engage them in two more battles, destroying one of the English armies entirely.


With one army destroyed we move in to lift the siege in Teviotdale.


We win another easy battle, killing 3x more than we lose. We chase the routing army and destroy them. That's two out of three gone.


Spring and summer have passed and the war is progressing well in my favor. As October 1275 begins, my men move in to remove the invaders from Cumberland.


Before we arrive in Cumberland the English flee back into their country. They know that we outnumber them 2 to 1. We give pursuit. I need to destroy this army in order to end this war quickly.


By mid-November we have caught up to them, defeated them in battle, and sent them scurrying. We are forced to chase them around northern England for months to before they are finally defeated in February of 1276.


Having stopped the invasion it's time to take the war to England to stop them from mounting a second wave and to increase the warscore enough to get a victory.

[Penry]

Go the Greens!

Nice work destroying the English!

[BigDork]

I wish I could actually destroy them. Their day will come. I've become resigned to the fact that HRE is always going to own those two counties in northern Scotland. They are too much of a juggernaut for me to evict. I am capable of taking over England, I just need to get the right casus beli for it.

Bad MoJo asked me for a current map and here it is. This is about 20 to 30 years past where the AAR is. It actually does not show the newest lands that I have conquered (teaser! ).


In this map I control all of Ireland, most of Scotland, most of Wales, one county in eastern Sweden, Brittany, the Toulouse region of France, Bourbon France, and Cagliari, Sardinia.

[Rhoth]

Where do you get the overall color maps like that? I haven't found that option yet.

[Penry]

f10 (f11 maybe?), then the images are stored in your my docs/paradox/ck2/screenshots folder

[BigDork]

Yep, F10 does the map screenshot on my PC. Stores it in the same folder as the regular screenshots.

[BigDork]

I order my army split and they begin besieging the northernmost English counties. My army in Westmorland is forced to give up the siege when an English army sneaks into Cumberland. It is an easy battle but it is a distraction from my plans of sieging a few counties to run up the warscore and is also a sign that the English can still muster thousands of men. This war is far from over.


The last thing I need when trying to end this war is for the English to raise small numbers in counties and combine them into a large army. I call on my mercenary companies to go south and raid the countryside. I want them to scatter the English armies before they can combine into something threatening. At first they are successful but unfortunately not fully. Eventually they were forced to turn north and return to the safety of my larger army.


In November 1276 another English army is besieging Cumberland. They certainly are dedicated to taking that county back. Their leaders ignore the fact that there are over 17,000 Irishmen next door. We head north to engage them in battle and after crushing them, send the survivors running back south.


Having crushed the newest English army, the King of England knows that he cannot win. The Irish are too strong and we are determined to defend our lands and people. In February 1277 the war is over. Because they invaded us, made us defend our lands, and it was our blood spilled, England is forced to pay reparations.


*The first few years of my reign saw very little dissension from my vassals. There were few revolts and not even many plots. I am not sure but I have a hunch it may have to do with the fact we were fighting in a defensive war. The English may have done me a huge favor by declaring war.

I put that extra gold to good use. Medelpad, the Irish county in Sweden, is a poor county removed from the rest of the kingdom. To assist the ruler there and to add to the overall value of the realm, I order a new city built on the shores.


I decide to check in on Duke Aelaf. He has spent over a decade imprisoned in the dungeon. I decide that despite his obvious hatred for me, I ransom him out of prison. I figure he'll ever settle down and be thankful he's out or revolt and I'll start taking his titles from him.


One month later, he revolts.


9 months later his forces are defeated and he's back in my dungeon. Cannot say I was surprised that things happened like this and honestly I'm okay with it. Giving his titles away to others will improve their opinion of me.


I give the Duchy of Deheubarth to my kinsman and Earl of Gwent. His opinion of me changed greatly and suddenly I had another vassal I could count on.


February 1279 sees a message come to me from the Duke of Poitou. He is calling me to arms in his causes against both France and some Muslims he is fighting in Iberia. Both of his wars are going horribly and he is near defeat in both. I regret that turning him down will be a stain on my honor but I am not about to commit my kingdom to hopeless causes that will be no benefit to us.


Duke Aelaf didn't spend long in the dungeon. After making him think he was there for the rest of his life, I ordered him released a couple days later. I expected that he would soon revolt again so that I could revoke another title from him. Unfortunately he was playing it smarter this time and while he was voicing his unhappiness with my rule he was not raising arms in opposition to me. So I take matters into my own hands and start a plot to revoke the county of Glamorgan from him.


It only takes two weeks for my plot to come to fruition. Most of that time was just waiting for the messages to flow from my court and for the confirmation replies to come from those willing to help me revoke the county from Aelaf.


I award the county to the third son of the Duke of Connacht. The boy himself is unlikely to ever rule otherwise and it ensures another of my dynasty is ruling a county. More prestige for the Ua Cheinnselaig. Also, Gilla-Coluim is a young boy and will give me no issues for years to come.


June 1282 sees a letter come to me from the Pope. He, like many Popes before him is unhappy that Ireland has Free Investiture. I continue the usual family practice of bribing Rome with some gold so that we can continue ruling as we see fit.


Things are mostly quiet in the realm. There is no war, and few plots that are being brought to my attention. Few does not mean none though. The Duke of Toulouse is up to more no-good in his duchy. He usurps a county from one of his vassals and becomes stronger. I will continue to watch him, expecting that before too long he will again try to break free from the kingdom.

[Nikolai]

Yep, F10 does the map screenshot on my PC. Stores it in the same folder as the regular screenshots.

F10 saves the current mapmode, not merely that map.

[BigDork]

F10 saves the current mapmode, not merely that map.

Thanks for the clarification.

[BigDork]

Toulouse Take Two

Sitting at my desk going through old documents I discover a report from May. It would appear that the Duke of Toulouse had revoked a baron title from a distant kinsman. This man needs to be stopped. He keeps trying to consolidate and grow his power.


September, 1284 brings another war to the kingdom. As a symbol of love to my wife, I push her claim on the county of Lusignan. The Kingdom of Castille has fallen far over the past few decades. Once they held half of the French lands but now they are down to a single county. Soon, it is my hope that Castille is no more.


It takes a year but in the scheme of things that is not too long. We quickly crush the small army that Castille raises and from there we simply had to wait for the siege to


Being out away from court and my wife has given me a new appreciation for life. With so much responsibility in life, I need to have fun and live!


In March, 1260 the Duke of Toulouse plays his hand. After consolidating and gaining power he feels that he can break free from my rule. I am not caught unaware however.


It takes a few months to raise my personal levies and ship them into the Med but finally in June they arrive. Things should go smoothly from here.


Nope! Months into my war France declares war on Toulouse. Now not only do I have to worry about the Toulousian troops but the French armies are going to be hostile as well. Also, if I cannot finish the war with Toulouse before France does then there's a chance that France will gain control. Needing more men, I raise 20,000 of the realm's levies and ship them south.


Eventually I get almost 40,000 men besieging and fighting in Toulouse. The French start to build an army up just to the north but for now it is no threat to my efforts. And then... bad news reaches me... Mauritania has declared war on Toulouse. Now not only is France a threat to me but I have to deal with a much larger and more real threat in Mauritania. I need to finish this war.


Needing to finish the war I begrudgingly pass the order to my commanders that damn the casualties, no longer are we sitting at the walls waiting. Take the walls no matter the the cost.


A few months later victory comes. I am saddened that so many had to die for this victory but the alternative was possibly losing the duchy from the realm.


With my victory, the other wars for Toulouse end inconclusively. Exactly what I had hoped for.


And with Fergus in my dungeon I use my right as his liege to revoke a title from him. I choose his claim on the county of Toulouse. It is a rich county and since I already control a barony in the county, it is a logical choice to me as a way to continue to build my power base in the south.


While I was distracted by war my son came of age. Prince Fogartach is competent but not not exceptionally gifted. I have no doubt that he will be a suitable king someday however.

[BigDork]

Peace is good. Without the distractions of running a war I'm able to indulge and live life. Why stop now?


Unfortunately Aelaf is continuing to be his usual self, a pain in my royal ass. He demands the county of Gowrie, lands that have been in my family for generations and is profitable. Right after I dispatch a firmly worded message rejecting his pathetic message I tell my marshal to prepare for war. I have no doubt that Aelaf will once again revolt.


In February 1289 word reaches me from Lusigan. My wife has been imprisoned! Her brother, the Duke of Poitou has locked my wife in his dungeon. I do not know the circumstances and quite frankly I do not care. I will do everything in my power to make this man pay. I dispatch my chancellor to try and get me a claim on the duchy. I will free my wife by force.


The bad news keeps rolling in. Can't a man just have some fun and not worry about life? The Chancellor of England has fabricated a claim on my lands for his liege lord. I've dealt with England before, and I have no doubt I can deal with them again.


When the declaration of war arrived I was not surprised in the least. The orders for my personal levies had been prepared a month ago and were just waiting to be sent out. I have no doubt this will be a short war.


I personally lead the army into battle. I mean to teach Aelaf that I mean business and want him to know that it was I who yet again crushed him.


Seeing the success that the English have had on fabricating claims some random countess attempts the same. However her chancellor is discovered and I order that he disappear.


A week later, as he lay down to sleep in his inn room for the night my assassins struck. He was dead before he hit the ground, never uttering a sound. His body was not found until the next morning and by then the assassins were long gone. No one ever suspected that I was involved.


In October 1289 my second son, Echmarcach comes of age. Now he is a son any man can be proud of. He is a genius. He is a master diplomat, knows warfare and has a natural talent for finances. I am concerned for his health though. For a long time now he has been fighting an illness he can not shake. I only hope that he is able to pull through and do good things for Ireland in the future.


Echmarcach is also ambitious. Only days after he turns 16 he comes to me asking to be put on my council. He is far better with money than my current steward is and he knows it. I want my son close, I want him to gain experience, and I can use his expertise and the extra coin he will bring me. I name him steward that very moment.


And to raise his opinion of me even more I name him Seneshal as well. The job is a true honor, and I bestow it on him gladly. I do not doubt he will perform these added tasks well.


With the war in Albany mostly over and my wife locked away in France, I have a lot of free time to party and have fun. It's good to be the king.


Aelaf is defeated in 1291 and I revoke the Duchy of Albany from him. He is now down to a single county and with that, he poses absolutely no threat to my realm. He didn't pose a threat before but now he is just about as low as he can be.


I give the duchy to a distant kinsman and the Early of Fife. His opinion of me grows because I raised him up to a duke and since he is still a child, I will have no issues for a few years to come. More stability and quiet.


More time to party!


Unfortunately parties are expensive. Also, it's kind of fun kicking Aelaf around. It's an excuse to run around with my sword and spend time with the common soldier in camp. I see no problems with letting him out. I gain 70 gold and when he revolts next, I'll have another county to give away to a deserving family member.

[Rhoth]

Now if it were me I'd be thinking of assassinating Fogartach in favor of Echmarcach as my heir. The men in my ruling family have been known to assassinate their incompetent first sons in favor of more competent second sons. Plus, every other country is going to laugh at you if you become King Fogartach.

After all, think of all the territory you can hold if you marry Echmarcach to a girl with huge...stewardship.

[Penry]

Nice work in Toulouse!

Party on King Conall!

[BigDork]

Now if it were me I'd be thinking of assassinating Fogartach in favor of Echmarcach as my heir. The men in my ruling family have been known to assassinate their incompetent first sons in favor of more competent second sons. Plus, every other country is going to laugh at you if you become King Fogartach.

After all, think of all the territory you can hold if you marry Echmarcach to a girl with huge...stewardship.

Time will tell...

[BigDork]

Decided to put the AAR on hold and then do one big catch up when my current king dies. Never expected the bugger to push 60 and still be going strong. Update coming soon though.

[BigDork]

Still waiting. The dude is pushing 65 now, Thank God! He needs to live another 3 years so that his grandson and heir can come of age. At that point he can conk off for all I care.

[BigDork]

Let There Be War!

I'm happily minding my business when I discover that France is in the midst of some serious turmoil. Several dukes and earls have risen up in revolt against their new boy-king. This looks like a promising time to press my claim on Bourbon. In prep for the war I take a quick look at the reported strength of the French army at this time. Only 4500 men... yep, invasion time!


It'll be like taking candy from a baby. I don't even know if the boy knows how to read yet. Maybe his regent can explain to him why the big, mean Irishman is taking land from him.


Never afraid of a bit of overkill on top of my personal levies I also raise some men from a few of my more affable vassals.


Being on the doorstep of France, I raise all the levies in Brittany and Toulouse and have them meet up to start laying siege.


Right before I march to war with my men I take care of one last issue, finding a suitable husband for my daughter. I prefer finding a matrilineal match for her as I want to bring a talented young man to Ireland and also have more kinsmen added to the family roles. Udo will do nicely.


As the men of Toulouse begin their march to war the peasants take advantage and revolt. I personally believe that the French are involved in this timely rebellion. It is quickly squashed but it was a needless distraction.


The war progresses well from the start. While my Continental Army fights off the what men the French can raise in defense my main army surrounds the castle in Bourbon and settle in for the long siege. Unfortunately my supply lines are stretched beyond breaking and will be forced to break off some men from the main host before attrition starts doing some real damage.


29 June, 1291 is the day my heart broke. It is the day my beautiful, wonderful life moved on from her unjust imprisonment and moved on to Heaven. I am tempted to give in to grief but instead focus my feelings into anger. An anger I can easily inflict on the foe in front of me. The French will pay for my father-in-law's actions. I will make them hurt since at the moment I cannot make him hurt.


A king needs a queen. Despite my anguish over losing my wife I need to re-marry for the good of Ireland. And as it would happen my wife's very talented, beautiful, and young niece is available.


I snag an easy ambition.


To celebrate my marriage and give in to my inner monster I begin the downfall of Poitou. I start by plotting the murder of the heir to the duchy. Considering I already declared war on one kid, plotting the murder of another is only a small step forward.


And just to ensure his eventual doom, a week later Duke Jackass revokes my son's title as Count of Lusignan, his rightful inheritance from his mother. In the end he is going to know pain, suffering, and what it feels like to have a knife in the back.


It only takes a couple of months to gain more backers than I need for the plot to be successful. In truth it could have been done sooner but I was also distracted with a war to win. I promise you it was a quick death and the boy didn't suffer. However, my revenge has begun.


Duke Julien had no idea I was behind the murder of his heir. I take a certain delight in having Juliene helping me defeat the French. To me it's a secret insult to him.


The winter of 1291/1292 is a harsh one and unfortunately my spymaster succumbs to sickness and dies. In his place I raise Udo up. Having him marry my daughter is proving to be a smart move on my point.


Scrapping the bottom of the barrel, France manages to raise up what could prove to be an annoying number of men in their counties. Making a unit that's sole mission is to chase around the French and ensure they don't all link up into a doomstack becomes a priority.


July 1292 sees an end to the fighting. The boy-king is smart enough to know that he is beat. That or he wants to get back to his toys. Either way, VICTORY!!!

[Penry]

[BigDork]

Good fortune continues to follow me. Not only did I take Bourbon from France but I am able to finally plot the downfall of the Duke of Poitiou. Revenge is going to be so sweet.


TRAGEDY! The horror! Why, oh why did my eldest son die? Who could have done such a tragic thing?





The betrothed to my dearly departed son is a far more capable woman than the woman who is betrothed to Echmarcach. I cancel one betrothal and my heir is married to a a wonderful future queen of Ireland.


And here she is, the future Queen of Ireland and my sister-in-law.


As is the family tradition, I give my son the county of Cagliari to rule as his own. The experience he will gain there will help him once he is king.


Coming off the celebration of the birth of Our Lord Christ, the Pope calls on all those of the True Faith to raise up in arms against the infidels. We may not be fighting for the Holy Lands but I'll get to bash in some infidel brains.


Knowing that a successful crusade can bring greatness to a king, I am committed to carrying out God's will. Not only am I committed, so are 42,166 other Irishmen.


First to land on the Iberian Peninsula are two companies of the Holy Order. Their reason to be is to fight against infidels. It makes sense that they lead the way. Also, their deaths mean that less Irishmen will pay the ultimate price.


Like my father before me, I am a crusader. A defender of the Faith. Let all who oppose me tremble.


The Army of Toulouse I send to Menorca to take the island. It's close and it should be mine. My intentions are to seize it from the Muslims.


Here is an overview from 12 August, 1293. What I want you to notice is that the HRE has moved their capital to Northern Africa. That is about the 5th move of the capital and the first time I've ever seen it leave Europe.


As the crusade continues, I decide to continue with my belief that there is no such thing as overkill. Since no one else has hired The Knights Templar they will fight for Ireland. Glory to God! Glory to Ireland!


Having defeated the majority of the infidel armies opposed to us I spread my forces out to begin besieging the counties of Portugal. With the Muslim threat all but over I split up the Holy Orders and send one to siege Grenada and punish them for joining in the defense of the Christian nations.


May 1294 and the war continues well for me. I am gaining counties and beating down armies.


As happy as I am to be fighting for the glory of God, nothing makes me happier than a job well done. Revenge is finally at hand. Duke Julien is dead. My beloved first wife has been avenged.


July 1294 sees the crusade progressing well and the target of the crusade has fallen. Victory is surely at hand.


8 months later, the war is over. In the lead up to victory I begin to get a bit reckless with my armies. Knowing that the war was coming to a close I started ordering my commanders to ignore losses and take the walls. It was more important to seize land than to worry about the lives of my men. Cruel and heartless yes... but they died for the good of the realm.


The Pope rewards those who are true. It was because of me and my men that we were successful and I am rewarded as such. With all that I have accomplished I am able to add another crown to the list. All hail Conall I, King of Ireland, Scotland, Brittany, Wales, and Portugal.


And because that's not enough, I take the Duchy of Beja as well.

[Rhoth]

TRAGEDY! The horror! Why, oh why did my eldest son die? Who could have done such a tragic thing?

Here is an overview from 12 August, 1293. What I want you to notice is that the HRE has moved their capital to Northern Africa. That is about the 5th move of the capital and the first time I've ever seen it leave Europe.

In my Wales game the HRE capital moved EVERYWHERE! It had about four spots in the Germanic areas before being kicked to a couple places in Italy for awhile (about the time I was trying to assassinate my way through the leadership before realizing it was agnatic only). Soon after that the capital moved to northern Africa (three spots there) and lost all of its holdings in Europe, and I mean all.