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Thread: Deciding whether to have children?Check this out once....

  1. #1

    Default Deciding whether to have children?Check this out once....

    I don't often cut and paste "funny" emails but I liked this one;


    FOLLOW THESE 14 SIMPLE TESTS BEFORE YOU DECIDE TO HAVE
    CHILDREN



    Test 1

    Women to prepare for maternity, put on a dressing gown and
    stick a beanbag down the front. Leave it there for 9 months.
    After 9 months remove 5% of the beans.

    Men to prepare for paternity, go to a local chemist, tip
    the contents of your wallet onto the counter and tell the
    pharmacist to help himself. Then go to the supermarket.
    Arrange to have your salary paid directly to their head
    office. Go home. Pick up the newspaper and read it for the
    last time.



    Test 2

    Find a couple who are already parents and berate them about
    their methods of discipline, lack of patience, appallingly
    low tolerance levels and how they have allowed their
    children to run wild. Suggest ways in which they might
    improve their child's sleeping habits,toilet training, table
    manners and overall behavior. Enjoy it. It will be the last
    time in your life that you will ha ve all the answers.



    Test 3

    To discover how the nights will feel

    1. Walk around the living room from 5pm to 10pm carrying a
    wet bag weighing approximately 4 - 6kg, with a radio turned
    to static (or some other obnoxious sound) playing loudly.

    2. At 10pm, put the bag down, set the alarm for midnight and
    go to sleep.

    3. Get up at 12pm and walk the bag around the living room
    until 1am.

    4.Set the alarm for 3am.

    5. As you can't get back to sleep, get up at 2am and make a
    cup of tea.

    6.Go to bed at 2.45am.

    7. Get up again at 3am when the alarm goes off.

    8. Sing songs in the dark until 4am.

    9. Put the alarm on for 5am. Get up when it goes off.

    10. Make breakfast. Keep this up for 5 years.

    LOOK CHEERFUL.

    Test 4

    Dressing small children is not as easy as it seems

    1. Buy a live octopus and a string bag.

    2. Attempt to put the octopus into the string bag so that no
    arms hang o ut.

    3. Time allowed for this 5 minutes.
    Test 5

    Forget the BMW and buy a practical 5 door wagon. And don't
    think that you can leave it out on the driveway spotless and
    shining. Family cars don't look like that.

    1. Buy a chocolate ice cream cone and put it in the glove
    compartment.

    2. Leave it there.

    3. Get a coin. Insert it into the cd player.

    4. Take a box of chocolate biscuits; mash them into the back
    seat.

    5. Run a garden rake along both sides of the car.



    Test 6

    Get ready to go out

    1. Wait

    2. Go out the front door

    3. Come back in again

    4. Go out

    5. Come back in again

    6. Go out again

    7. Walk down the front path

    8. Walk back up it

    9. Walk down it again

    10. Walk very slowly down the road for five minutes.

    11. Stop, inspect minutely and ask at least 6 questions
    about every piece of used chewing gum, dirty tissue and dead
    insect al ong the way.

    12. Retrace your steps

    13. Scream that you have had as much as you can stand until
    the neighbours come out and stare at you.

    14. Give up and go back into the house.

    15. You are now just about ready to try taking a small child
    for a walk.



    Test 7

    Repeat everything you say at least 5 times.



    Test 8

    Go to the local supermarket. Take with you the nearest thing
    you can find, to a pre-school child. A full-grown goat is
    excellent. If you intend to have more than one child, take
    more than one goat. Buy your weeks groceries without letting
    the goat(s) out of your sight. Pay for everything the goat
    eats or destroys. Until you can easily accomplish this, do
    not even contemplate having children.



    Test 9

    1. Hollow out a melon

    2. Make a small hole in the side

    3. Suspend the melon from the ceiling and swing it side to
    side

    4. Now get a bowl of soggy cornflakes and attempt to spoon
    them into the swaying melon while pretending to be an
    aeroplane.

    5. Continue until half the cornflakes are gone.

    6. Tip the rest into your lap, making sure that a lot of it
    falls on the floor.

    7. You are now ready to feed a 12-month old child.



    Test 10

    Learn the names of every character from the Wiggles, Thomas
    the Tank Engine and Disney. Watch nothing else on television
    for at least 5 years.



    Test 11

    Can you stand the mess children make? To find out

    1. Smear peanut butter onto the sofa and jam onto the
    curtains

    2. Hide a fish behind the stereo and leave it there all
    summer.

    3. Stick your fingers in the flower beds and then rub them
    on clean walls.

    4. Cover the stains with crayon.

    5. How does that look?



    Test 12

    Make a recording of someone shouting 'Mummy' repeatedly.

    Important no more than a 4 second delay between each Mummy
    - occasional cresce ndo to the level of a supersonic jet if
    required.

    Play this tape in your car, everywhere you go for the next 4
    years.

    You are now ready to take a long trip with a toddler.



    Test 13

    Start talking to an adult of your choice. Have someone else
    continually tug on your shirt hem or shirt sleeve while
    playing the Mummy tape listed above.

    You are now ready to have a conversation with an adult while
    there's a child in the room.



    Test 14

    Put on your finest work attire. Pick a day on which you have
    an important meeting. Now

    1. Take a cup of cream and add 1 cup of lemon juice

    2. Stir

    3. Dump half of it on your shirt

    4. Saturate a towel with the other half of the mixture

    5. Attempt to clean your shirt with the same saturated towel

    6. Do not change, you have no time.

    7. Go directly to work


    You are now ready to have children
    Last edited by martineargent; 24-09-09 at 10:00.

  2. #2
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    If it's not spam, it's funny.

    If this is spam, it's funny too.

  3. #3
    Monarch Wezil's Avatar
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    Definitely an odd 1st post.

    I didn't need to read the entire list. I was convinced against children years ago.
    I don't play Civ - Civ2 Veteran (Ret.)

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    Revolutionary Dale's Avatar
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    Since I have kids, I can appreciate all of the above. If it's spam, I'm going to leave it here.
    http://www.brrgames.com

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  5. #5

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    kids are great

    I was one of fourteen!(dont ask it is complicated, but i'm just using this to illistrate i have quite a bit of experience with kids and looking after them, i am the eldest).

    Not all kids will cry all the time, but all kids will do freaky coloured poo's that will amaze and disgust you when you change their nappies.

    But overall the highs far out weigh the lows in my experience.
    formerly known as child of Thor(coT) in the CTP2 section of poly.

  6. #6

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    I'm not gonna ask, but wow, 14. That's plenty.

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    This thread is cementing my opposition to ever having kids.

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    Monarch Wezil's Avatar
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    If they were as low maintenance as pets I would probably have a couple of them around.
    I don't play Civ - Civ2 Veteran (Ret.)

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    We've had some dogs around the house and they are real bags of douche. When they're around I tend to keep them in the back yard so I can keep the house tidy.

  10. #10
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    If you raise your kids properly they don't become monsters. I can tell the difference between sister nr 1 (4 kids) and sister nr 2 (3 kids). Nr 1 lets them pretty much do what they like nr 2 puts her foot down and does active parenting. As a result nr 2's kids are rather well behaved while nr 1's are spolied brats that are mean and vindictive, constantly fighting and being rude and obnoxiuos. I've pretty much stopped seeing Nr 1 because of this...
    All those moments will be lost in time, like tears in the rain.

    It's not paranoia when they really are against you. - Buster's Uncle

  11. #11
    Monarch Wezil's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Alinestra Covelia View Post
    We've had some dogs around the house and they are real bags of douche. When they're around I tend to keep them in the back yard so I can keep the house tidy.

    The back yard would work. Perhaps a couple kid sized crates I could put them in.

    I've checked into this option but the authorities seem to frown on it. It gets the same reaction I got from zkribbler when I asked him to pick me up a couple slaves on the LA slave market.
    I don't play Civ - Civ2 Veteran (Ret.)

  12. #12

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    Quote Originally Posted by Grey Fox View Post
    I'm not gonna ask, but wow, 14. That's plenty.
    Some are half brothers+sisters, thats the complicated bit. But yeah i've seen plenty of flurescent green caca in my time as 'babysitter big brother'

    The best bit is watching them grow up, start to walk, talk etc - human life really is amazing, even if it can be hard work
    formerly known as child of Thor(coT) in the CTP2 section of poly.

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    Revolutionary Dale's Avatar
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    Last night putting Blake to bed he hugged me really tight for a long time and said "I miss you daddy when you go to work". That single moment made up for all the jam handprints on the backs of my shirts.
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    Kids are fine as long as they belong to someone else. That way I can spoil them and don't have to put up with the backlash.

    Like the time I gave my nephews some toy instruments.
    I like whiskey. I always did, and that is why I never drink it. --Robert E. Lee

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    Quote Originally Posted by Zoid View Post
    If you raise your kids properly they don't become monsters.
    I don't have the patience. The next generation is already in good hands from all the other poor saps of my friends who've decided to have sprogs. I'm going to pass on their headaches and sleepless nights spent worrying about crap like percentiles, school districts, and college funds.

  16. #16
    Emperor Zoid's Avatar
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    I didn't have the patience until a few years ago, now I feel I want to have kids of my own. Maybe it's just a inverted midlife crisis?
    All those moments will be lost in time, like tears in the rain.

    It's not paranoia when they really are against you. - Buster's Uncle

  17. #17

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    HI to all
    this article is just for fun and relax..Do not take it personally .do not choose weather to have children or not based on this post.It is just for fun,having children is one of the best thing you might possibly have..

  18. #18
    Monarch Wezil's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by martineargent View Post
    It is just for fun,having children is one of the best thing you might possibly have..

    Unless you are the parents of Jeffrey Dahmer.
    I don't play Civ - Civ2 Veteran (Ret.)

  19. #19
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    I dunno. I suspect if people were brutally honest about it, there would be a good percentage of people who would admit that having kids is a trade-off that limits (rather than enriches) your life options, if you regard it from a purely rational economic standpoint.

    These are the same people who have an honest answer in mind when they're asked things like "which of your kids is your favorite?" or "do you think about somebody other than your spouse during sex?".

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    AC, you can think of kids as an expense, a drain and a life limitation if you want, and they will be just that. You'll only see the costs of raising them, the efforts during the bad times to control them, and also the things you miss out on.

    OR.....

    You can see kids as an investment, one that pays massive rewards along the way. Then you'll see how kids enrich your life, the love they return to you and the enlifting feeling you get when you watch them grow, understand and learn new things.

    Kids are amazing if you'll just watch them, interact with them, and teach them something. Sure, like any good investment they go up and down over time, but no matter how bad your day is, when your kids scream out "DADDY!" and run the length of the house to hug you when you get home from work, it makes the day great.

    I never understood it till I had kids, and I don't think you guys do either.
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